As I’m writing this, it’s week one of what I think will be at least a year-long weight loss journey. So, here goes.

Hi, I’m Alli, and I weigh 99 kilos.

(That’s 218 pounds, btw). At 31, I’m pretty sure that’s the most I’ve ever weighed in my life, and you know what surprises me about that? I’m not ashamed of it. I’m looking at the number on the scale, like I have so many times before – but this time, it doesn’t define who I am. All I see is an opportunity to change my life for the better.

Unlearning 30 years of self-hate

I hated my body for most of my life, and it never helped change anything. While on the outside, to many I’ve seemed confident, encouraging, supportive and like I have it all together – on the inside, I was often struggling with an intense dislike of who I am, unable to allow myself any of the kind words I had for others. There was always a reason to berate myself – too fat, too awkward, no self-control, too ugly, too selfish, too lazy, oddly shaped, weird hair, bad acne, wonky teeth… The list goes on.

To self-soothe, I tried a lot of different things. Restricting food, then binging; wearing tight dresses or short skirts for years, then spending years wearing huge baggy clothes; distracting myself with time-intensive side hustles or projects; spending hours bored in the gym while tracking calories from workouts; giving too much of myself to other people; partying too much and staying out late. Looking back now, while I try not to regret anything in my life, I deeply mourn the energy I wasted on hating who I am.

“There are other times I could tell you about that made me feel utterly sickened by myself. The time at 12 years old when I jumped on a bench and the slats broke in half (after my skinny friend had done the same thing). The many times I sat in a chair that wasn’t made for me. Every time I use the size guide on a clothing website to find the size they attribute to me isn’t even stocked there. The time last year walked over a plank of wood on a building site and it snapped clean in half. It doesn’t matter if people tell you “the wood was rotten” – “that’s a really small chair” – it doesn’t make that sick feeling in your stomach go away. If only I was smaller. Weighed less. If I hadn’t had seconds. Eaten that donut. Hadn’t eaten at all.”

– An unpublished blog post from 2019

Learning to care for my body

I’m not sure what it was that made me start being kinder to myself. Perhaps it was hitting 30; perhaps it was the pandemic in 2020 forcing me to slow down a bit. But over the last few years I’ve been unlearning a lot of unhealthy habits that were collectively making my life miserable.

I’ve been talking back against those negative thoughts of self hate: correcting them with kind words about myself. Instead of berating myself internally I’ve been speaking in the same way I would speak to others. I’ve stopped using shopping as a hobby (or therapy), and focussed on saving and tracking my finances instead. I’ve slowed down, reduced my use of social media, taken a less stressful job, and focussed on what I really want to spend my life doing. I’ve stopped buying a bag of chocolate, biscuits and sweets from the shop to self-soothe whenever I feel unhappy. I’ve started going on regular walks outside, not to go somewhere – just to get out.

I now believe it doesn’t matter how I look – my body does not deserve to be punished.

With each new way to be kind to myself, I’ve felt so much more in tune with my body, mind, and what I need. Chocolate and biscuits are not the only treat I can give myself – my body responds much better to the sun on my face, a long drink of water, a stomp through the woods listening to the birds.

And with all these in place, I’m ready to take on my next challenge – and try to lose almost half my body weight, in a way that will leave me healthier, happier, and more energised, long-term.

The goal

Let’s keep it simple – I want to lose at least 29kg (64lb) by the 19th March 2025.

That would take me to 70kg (154lb) – just outside the range of BMI for my height, which is between 50.4–67.8 kg.

Although I’m not sold on BMI as a judgement of overall health, I would like to be within the recommended range eventually; but 70kg is a nice round number to aim for as an initial goal, and 29kg is a lot of weight to lose, even in a full year.

But weight loss isn’t my only goal – it’s simply an inevitable side effect of creating a more sustainable, healthy lifestyle for myself. I want to move more, eat better, and nourish my body with the things it needs to thrive.

What I’m doing to lose weight

Calorie counting

I’ve set a maximum daily calorie limit of 1,750 calories. According to calculations, at my current weight with this calorie intake level, I should lose around half a kilo (around 1lb) per week, reaching 70kg in just under 12 months. While I’ll strictly adhere to my limit wherever possible, I expect my daily calorie level to be different depending on what I eat and how hungry I am – I’m not prepared to force myself to go hungry. Of course, this projected weight loss could be faster or slower depending on my activity level and how my body reacts to this process.

Focusing on high-protein and nutrient-dense foods

I’m not focussing on what I can’t eat – I’m concerning myself with what I can. While I do eat very well generally, there is always room to improve. I already knew my diet was missing the mark on protein (which was why the carb portions were larger, to keep me satisfied) so I’m incorporating a lot more protein-rich foods into my meal plans, like chicken, salmon, and dairy. I was already eating a reasonable amount of fruit and veg, but I’ve upped the ante on this too, and focussed on thinking of interesting ways to eat it.

5,000 steps a day

I’ve set a goal to do at least 5,000 steps a day, which I find easy enough to achieve between a walk around the village and a little bit of housework. I’m starting with 5,000 steps because it’s a good starting point – towards the end of last year it was not uncommon for me not to leave the house several days in a row. Once I get used to this, I might consider increasing my daily step goal.

2 litres of water every day

I have always been terrible at staying hydrated. And I mean terrible. There have been periods in my life where I have forgotten to drink water for several days at a time. I’m hoping that by tracking my water intake, and drinking 2 litres every day, I will feel healthier, have better skin, and help my body flush away this excess weight. Also – less tempted to snack!

How I’m keeping myself motivated

Weekly weigh-ins

I’ve bought some scales and started weighing myself – the last time I did this was back in 2020, and I have genuinely no idea what my weight has been at any point since then. I’m going to weigh myself every morning out of curiosity, but I’m more concerned about the week-to-week weight loss, so Monday’s weigh-ins will be the key data point. To keep track of my progress, I’ll enter each weigh in into MyFitnessPal – as well as include an update on my weekly blog posts here.

Calorie counting in MyFitnessPal

Each day, I’m tracking all the food and drink I consume in MyFitnessPal. I’ve got both a calorie goal, and more granular goals across protein, sugar, carbs, fats and vitamins, and I’m doing my best to adhere to all of them. I’ve done this before, and I find it’s a great tool to educate yourself on the nutrients that different types of food provide – but I’ve never kept up with it long-term. I’ve found recently I really enjoy analysing data and reviewing changes over time, so I’m hoping this keeps me motivated to fill it in!

Step tracking in Google Fit

I’ve downloaded Google Fit and set myself some goals – it’s cleverly tracking my steps and ‘heart points’ as I go about my day. Heart points are Google’s measurements of periods where you got your heart rate up, and while I can’t vouch for how accurate that is, so far it seems to only activate when I’m out on a walk, so it’s a lot better than no tracking at all. I’ve heard a lot of people say that ‘closing the rings’ – whether on Google Fit, or Apple’s version – is very addictive, and I’m very sorry to say that they are absolutely right.

Finding new recipes

I love trying new recipes, and I think this is going to be another way to keep myself motivated. Many of the high-protein foods I want to include in my meal plans include things I don’t use that often or with that much variety – salmon, chicken, greek yoghurt, tuna, chia seeds, milk, cottage cheese – so I’m excited to discover new ways to incorporate these, as well as eat a wider variety of fruits and veggies. I’ve gotten into making soup this winter, and I really love baking, so am keen to find ways to still enjoy the odd sweet treat without derailing this weight loss journey.

Weekly blog posts

This last one is what you’re reading right now. It’s been a long time since I updated this blog, but this feels like a good reason to come back to it – weekly posts, documenting my journey, struggles and successes, and sharing the tips and recipes I find along the way.

I do hope you’ll come along for the ride!

Until next time,

Alli x